I just threw up on my dentist
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
zippers are such a cool invention
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
