I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
