This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
