Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
