I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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