does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
