i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
high people should be assigned attendants
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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