I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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