make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He felt like a one man threesome
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
