So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
