i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
