I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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