i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
