you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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