All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
we're so committed to being not committed
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
