Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
