What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
