I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
