Christians are straight up FREAKS
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
