What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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