do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
