Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
me + whiskey = a bad person
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
