Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
