her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
