U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
