Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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