I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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