I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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