I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
