last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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