Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
