My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
