I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
