Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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