I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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