My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
P.S. I can't hear my feet
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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