she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
