I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
