I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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