I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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