Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
It's Friday. Sex?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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