So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
