I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
