I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
