just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
