I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
there was a trapeze. enough said
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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