My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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