I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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