first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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