You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
